My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
