Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Randomize
