just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
