it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
