So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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