Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
