clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
