i just wanna soil my oats bro
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
