You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
