The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize