So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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