Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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