go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize