You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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