I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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