Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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