3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
