If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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