I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
