what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize