I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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