So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
