I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
