I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
