the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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