I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
