i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
