i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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