my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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