I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
