my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
