She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
