I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
