NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
