I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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