I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
