she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
