Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
