it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
