i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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