my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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