...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
