Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
