Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
