Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I want to fling myself into the sun
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
