god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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