In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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