Swine flu. Run for my life!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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