She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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