Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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