It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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