if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
