You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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