I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
