I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
