one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
40s are totally the cure
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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