you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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