Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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