I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
