tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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