It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
