you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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